Succubus Dreams CHAPTER 24

I knew I was going to live forever, but sometimes I had a hard time really understanding how long forever was. During that ride to the airport, however, I got a taste of what eternity might feel like. Maddie spent almost the entire time talking about Seth. In fact, I'm pretty sure the only time she didn't was when she stopped to check her watch and ponder whether we would make it on time. I knew we would make it on time because I would stop the car and carry her on my back before I'd risk her missing her flight and needing to ride back with me to the city. Once she'd decided we were still okay with time, it was back to Seth. Seth, Seth, Seth. I'm pretty sure there were only about three people in the world I wouldn't have suspected of fucking with me if they'd come telling a story like this. Unfortunately, Maddie was one of them. She was telling the truth. It was written all over her, and something in me – maybe the part that really understood how serious the fight between Seth and me had been – could feel it. After a while, my mind sort of went numb, and I stopped thinking about it all. I finally dropped her off at the airport and went home, barely aware of the traffic I once again had to fight my way through. When I got back to my apartment, I ate dinner and watched A Christmas Carol. A long, hot bath followed, and five shots of vodka finally put me down for the night. I slept on the couch because I couldn't bear to go in the room where an angel had fallen. Some Christmas Eve. Seth came over the next morning to take me to dinner at Terry and Andrea's. Uneasiness radiated around him, but he still smiled when he saw me. â€Å"You look great.† â€Å"Thanks.† I knew I did. I'd spent two hours getting ready, the last thirty minutes of which had been me simply standing in front of the mirror. I'd stood there, taking in every detail of my appearance. The clinging red dress. The curve of my neck under the glittering black choker. The way my golden-brown hair, worn sleek and smooth today, hung down my back. Gold eye shadow and black liner framed my eyes. My lips glowed under pale peach lip gloss. Even at five-four, my legs looked long and supple. My face, carved with high cheekbones and flawless skin, was beautiful. I was beautiful. Call it vanity or egotism, but it was true. I was so, so beautiful. More beautiful than Maddie. More beautiful than any mortal woman. Staring at that gorgeous reflection, I begged it to tell me that Seth would want me. He had to want me. How could he not? But I knew all the beauty in the world couldn't mask the pain in me. And after a couple more moments, Seth noticed too. His smile vanished. â€Å"How did you find out?† he asked. I dropped the coat I'd been holding. â€Å"How do you think? She told me. She couldn't wait to tell me.† He sighed and sat on the arm of my couch and stared into space. â€Å"That's it? You have nothing else to say?† I asked. â€Å"I'm sorry. God, I'm really sorry. I didn't mean for you to find out like this.† â€Å"Were you ever going to tell me?† â€Å"Yeah†¦of course.† His voice was so sweet and so gentle that it momentarily defused the anger that wanted to explode out of me. I stared at him, looking hard into those amber brown eyes. â€Å"She said†¦she said you didn't drink, but you did, right? That's what happened?† I sounded like I was Kendall's age and suspected I wore the pleading expression Yasmine had given Jerome. Seth's face stayed expressionless. â€Å"No, Thetis. I wasn't drunk. I didn't drink at all.† I sank down into the armchair opposite him. â€Å"Then†¦then†¦what happened?† It took a while for him to get the story out. I could see the two warring halves within him: the one that wanted to be open and the one that hated to tell me things I wouldn't like. â€Å"I was so upset after what happened with us. I was actually on the verge of calling that guy†¦what's his name? Niphon. I couldn't stand it – I wanted to fix things between us. But just before I did, I ran into Maddie. I was so†¦I don't know. Just confused. Distraught. She asked me to get food, and before I knew it, I'd accepted.† He raked a hand through his hair, neutral expression turning confused and frustrated. â€Å"And being with her†¦she was just so nice. Sweet. Easy to talk to. And after leaving things off physically with you, I'd been kind of†¦um†¦Ã¢â‚¬  â€Å"Aroused? Horny? Lust-filled?† He grimaced. â€Å"Something like that. But, I don't know. There was more to it than just that.† The tape in my mind rewound. â€Å"Did you say you were going to call Niphon?† â€Å"Yeah. We'd talked at poker†¦and then he called me once. Said if I ever wanted†¦he could make me a deal. I thought it was crazy at the time, but after I left you that night†¦I don't know. It just made me wonder if maybe it was worth it to live the life I wanted and make it so you wouldn't have to worry so much.† â€Å"Maddie coming along was a blessing then,† I muttered. Christ. Seth had seriously considered selling his soul. I really needed to deal with Niphon. He hadn't listened to me when I'd told him to leave Seth alone. I wanted to rip the imp's throat out, but my revenge would have to wait. I took a deep breath. â€Å"Well,† I told Seth. â€Å"That's that. I can't say I like it†¦but, well†¦it's over.† He tilted his head curiously. â€Å"What do you mean?† â€Å"This. This Maddie thing. You finally had a fling. We've always agreed you could, right? I mean, it's not fair for me to be the only one who gets some. Now we can move on.† A long silence fell. Aubrey jumped up beside me and rubbed her head against my arm. I ran a hand over her soft fur while I waited for Seth's response. â€Å"Georgina,† he said at last. â€Å"You know†¦I've told you†¦well. I don't really have flings.† My hand froze on Aubrey's back. â€Å"What are you saying?† â€Å"I†¦don't have flings.† â€Å"Are you saying you want to start something with her?† He looked miserable. â€Å"I don't know.† No. This wasn't happening. â€Å"What's this mean for us?† I asked. â€Å"I don't know.† The anger returned, and I leapt up, much to Aubrey's annoyance. â€Å"What do you know?† I demanded. â€Å"Do you even know why you did this?† â€Å"There were a lot of things going on†¦Ã¢â‚¬  he said. â€Å"A lot of factors. It just happened†¦Ã¢â‚¬  I put my hands on my hips and stalked toward him. â€Å"Did it? Did it really? Because I'm not so sure.† His distraught expression turned wary. â€Å"What's that mean?† â€Å"I think you were getting back at me for not giving in that night. I made you mad. I hurt you. So, you're trying to hurt me. Teach me a lesson.† â€Å"I – what? Are you insane? You think I'd do something like this to teach you a lesson? You think I would want to hurt you? Just because you refused sex?† â€Å"Why not?† I asked. â€Å"Guys always want sex from me. Why are you any different?† â€Å"Georgina,† he said incredulously. â€Å"You can't believe that. It's always been about more than sex. You have to know that. I've told you that over and over. I would never purposely hurt you. And yet†¦Ã¢â‚¬  â€Å"And yet what?† He looked away from me and focused on the carpet. â€Å"I don't know that we can keep going on without me hurting you.† â€Å"Well, if you don't sleep with my friends – â€Å" â€Å"It doesn't even have to be that. There are so many things it could be. I could get hit by a car tomorrow or catch some disease. If you ever do crack some day and sleep with me, you'll hate yourself forever. And if I crack and sell my soul, that's going to upset you too. One way or another, you will get hurt. It's just a matter of when. I saw it that night in the kitchen – I saw your face when you were yelling at me. That's when I knew it was all true.† â€Å"I†¦I was upset,† I told him. â€Å"And, I mean†¦we knew this relationship wouldn't be easy. You were okay with all this in the beginning†¦the sex and everything else†¦.† â€Å"Things change,† he said bluntly. He met my eyes, and I again saw warring sides within him. â€Å"And back then, I thought I was the one who would get hurt, not you. I can handle it.† â€Å"Are you saying I can't?† â€Å"I'm saying I don't want to find out. And honestly, it's not even about sex either. We've got communication problems, time problems†¦I don't know. Hell, we have death problems. I don't really know if we should keep doing this.† It felt like Joel's death again, like all the energy was being sucked away from me. â€Å"How,† I demanded, â€Å"can you always lecture me about open communication and then dump this on me now? If you were feeling all this†¦you should have brought it up beforehand, not in some bluff break-up at the zero hour.† â€Å"I'm not entirely sure what that last part meant, but I'm not bluffing. And I've tried to talk to you about this. I tried the night you massaged me – you didn't want to hear it.† Seth took a deep breath. â€Å"Georgina†¦I really mean it. I don't think we should be together anymore.† I gaped. No, this wasn't right. This wasn't right at all. I'd expected a big fight, one we'd eventually get over, like always. I'd expected him to ask for forgiveness. I'd expected to set new boundaries in the relationship. I'd expected me to be the one to have the high ground and decide if we were going to continue this. I hadn't expected to be pleading. â€Å"No. No. Seth†¦we've just got to make it work. Look, I'll get over Maddie, okay? And if you want to sleep with other women†¦I mean, it is okay. I always said you could. It's just this first time†¦well, it's a shock, that's all.† He just continued to watch me quietly, and I found myself babbling on more and more. â€Å"But we can make it work. We always do. We'll find a way. You can't just go ahead and decide something like this on your own. There are two of us in this, you know.† â€Å"Yeah,† he said. â€Å"I do know. And I'm one of the two. And I want to split up.† â€Å"No,† I said frantically. â€Å"You don't want to. This is just some weird†¦I don't know. You don't mean it.† Seth's silence was more infuriating than if he'd shouted back at me. He just kept watching me, letting me talk. His expression had so much regret – but so much determination too. â€Å"You were the one who told me we could overcome anything,† I cried. â€Å"Why not this?† â€Å"Because it's too late.† â€Å"It can't be. If you do this†¦it's all for nothing†¦you'll have ended up hurting me. Me and Maddie both.† â€Å"It's a small hurt compared to what could really happen,† he said. â€Å"And as for Maddie†¦I don't plan on hurting her. I†¦I like her.† â€Å"But you love me.† â€Å"Yeah, I do. I probably always will. But maybe that's not enough. I have to move on. We can't do this. I think maybe†¦I don't know. I think something good could happen with me and Maddie. In some ways, she's like you, only – â€Å" Seth had started to slip into the rambling he sometimes did when nervous enough. He bit his lip now, as though he might summon the words back, and looked away. â€Å"Only what?† I asked. I could barely hear my own voice. He turned his gaze back to me, firm and unflinching. â€Å"Only†¦more human.† And that was it. All the anger and sorrow vanished. There was nothing in me. Nothing at all. I was empty. â€Å"Get out,† I said. He paled. Something in my voice and expression must have been truly terrifying. Tentatively, he extended a hand. â€Å"I never meant to hurt you. Thetis, I'm sorr – â€Å" â€Å"Don't ever call me that again,† I told him, stepping away. I didn't know how any of these words were coming out of my mouth. It was like someone else was controlling me. â€Å"Leave. Now.† He opened his mouth, and I thought all that resolve he'd just shown might crumble. In the end, it didn't. He left.